Autumn (01:19)
Hey everyone, welcome back to LadyIsh. I am so glad that all of you are here with me again today. If you've been following along this month, you know that we're wrapping up July and working through what I've been calling the approval detox.
for those of you that are members of Becoming Her, we're taking it even deeper and exploring the self-abandonment recovery project. Regardless, all month long we've been talking about approval seeking and self-abandonment in some way, shape, or form. And today we bring that to a close.
As we've explored the ways that we abandon ourselves in order to seek or receive acceptance from other people, we talk a lot about the ways that we become someone that everyone else needs us to be, in the ways that we chase achievement or perfection or productivity, people pleasing, in hopes that eventually we will feel worthy of.
Enough and good enough. And it's not explicit, it's all very unconscious, often below the surface. And if you're anything like me, you've probably realized hopefully that approval is a moving target. And no matter how much you accomplish in your life or how much you give or how much you sacrifice, there's always another benchmark to achieve next.
So today I don't want to talk about doing more. I want to talk about something that I think for a lot of us is even harder. And that is receiving and giving gratitude for what we have done.
As some of you may know, when I went to college, I chose the very practical focus area of religious studies. So I have a degree in religious studies as well as political science. Did that help me in law school? No, it did not. Did I love it? Yes, I did. And one of the things that I learned a lot about that I found really fascinating is that in a lot of historical cultures and religious traditions, before our modern calendars evolved, they all had a very kind of similar rhythm.
There were seasons built into religious and cultural festivals and kind of their tracking of of the
year. There were seasons for planting, there were seasons for tending to what they had sown, seasons for resting, and seasons for harvesting.
This week, in fact, marks one of those common harvest festivals called Lunisad or often called Lamas. And it's one of the traditional harvest festivals celebrated around the beginning of August. So it's actually happening this Saturday, August 1st. Historically, this was a time for communities to gather the first grain harvest to bake bread and give thanks.
For the abundance of the season so far and acknowledge that the work of planting and tending had produced something to sustain the community. And it's the first of several harvest festivals, but the point of it is truly honoring the work and the time that was put in and taking a moment to pause and reflect, share gratitude and connect with the people in your community and just sort of honor the work that you've done.
I think there's something profoundly beautiful about that that we just don't make time for. And I think it's really taking the wind out of our sails. So many of us do so much, but we don't take time to acknowledge our own harvest throughout the year.
Instead, what I see in so many of the professionals that I coach, and I see it in myself as well, is that we just immediately move the finish line. We accomplish one thing, and then we immediately turn around and ask ourselves, okay, what's next? Without even a breath.
We finish one project and we just start another. We reach the goal and then we turn around and we raise the bar. We rarely stop long enough to say, look at what I've grown.
I think that we can look around our own culture and society and our traditions that most of us celebrate and recognize this disconnect. For example, I'm going to bet that the vast majority of us listening right now had some type of a celebration when they graduated from high school. I had a client just the other day that told me she was hosting a big party for her son who was graduating from junior high. So
We are very happy to celebrate children moving through these sort of rites of passage, moving into high school, moving out of high school, kind of spreading their wings and entering this world. But here's what I think is so interesting. How many of us can say I celebrated or threw a party when I graduated
from college, when I got my master's degree, when I got my doctorate? I didn't have a party when I graduated from college, and I certainly didn't have a party when I graduated.
From law school. It was just sort of business as usual. Next day you wake up and you just keep going, and there's a million other goalposts to look forward to. And I just think that's really interesting. Because theoretically, those accomplishments are even more impressive and a greater rite of passage and a greater opening in your path than graduating from junior high or high school. Yet we don't celebrate them. And I think we really have to pause and ask ourselves why. Why
When we become adults, is it so hard for us to recognize and honor and celebrate our accomplishments?
I'm just gonna go on a limb here and speculate that for a lot of us, once we get past those initial rites of passage and we become professionals in our own right, or entrepreneurs, or caregivers, or you know, whatever the background is, we spend a lot of our time believing or being told that our value comes from what we produce.
And at some point we start to look at graduating from college or graduating from a law school or med school or getting your doctorate in any type of an area, it's not enough because there's got to be something after that. And so we don't see that as worthy enough to celebrate. But somewhere in the back of our mind, like there is a goalpost that once we hit that, then maybe we'll celebrate. What I think happens between high school graduation and those later accomplishments is that
We just get really good at moving that goalpost, setting new goals, and we we become excellent at working, and just never really honed the skill of receiving and honoring and celebrating everything that we've done. And most of us aren't really great at receiving compliments or inviting and support or allowing ourselves to rest or have fun or luxuriate in just joy.
Or even receive
success or accolades without immediately turning around and minimizing it. Receiving the life that we've already been building. We are not very good at it. Instead of pausing a moment and looking at everything that we've amassed, our focus is very myopic. It's just on the future. It's just on that next
thing. And we never really develop those skills of honoring ourselves, of resting, of receiving and sort of
enjoying the journey instead of just focusing on this this destination that keeps moving.
And I can't help but wonder how much of those tendencies come back to what we've been talking about all month long. And that is this idea around approval and seeking approval. Because if you have spent years believing that your value and your worth comes from earning love, earning belonging, and earning respect from the people around you, then certainly receiving can feel
very uncomfortable because built into that idea that love and respect is something that we have to earn, the question that we never really answer is, well, when will I have earned it? When will I know that I've earned enough and done enough to be loved and to be respected? And we don't answer that question. And so we end up just continually chasing, which sort of implies that we've never become good enough to be loved, respected, never mind.
celebrated and honored for everything that we've built.
With those kinds of habits ingrained in us, receiving can actually feel really, really uncomfortable. And it can kind of feel unsafe because we feel like we haven't proven ourselves enough yet. So we have to keep performing, we have to keep producing. Because if we stop, then who are we? Can we finally decide? Like I've good, I'm good enough, I've earned enough.
I can be loved, I can be respected, because that's very uncomfortable.
But if we keep running and chasing more things, then we never have to actually answer that. When is enough for me to finally feel good enough?
One of the questions I keep coming back to and sitting with lately in this vein is the question that, you know, what if the next step in my growth and evolution isn't actually learning something new and achieving something new? What if the next step in my journey of evolution and growth and healing, what if that next step
Is simply to practice celebrating and receiving happiness and love and respect for what I've already done. In other words, what if the lesson I am supposed to learn at this point is not some new goal, but rather the lesson is living in gratitude and happiness and allowing yourself to feel love and respect for what you've already accomplished.
Without believing that it's not enough yet.
I work with so many amazing professionals that are tremendously unhappy with where they are in a variety of different aspects in of their lives. And one of the things that they often say is, I'm not ready to leave yet. And I say, okay, well, why not? What do you what you need to get out of this circumstance? And they'll say, Well, I need to do this, or I need to learn more, or I need to do this one thing, or I need to get this one.
award or I need to try, you know, counseling or this, that, and the other. They've got all these things that they need to try. And I always say to them, once you have done that, if you don't get the result that you want, will that be enough for you to actually do something and and take action around what you're wanting? And and they you kind of see this realization in them that they know that even once they've checked all those little things off the list,
There will be more reasons and more things to learn and more ways or reasons that they're not ready to actually do the thing. We do this in so many different areas of our life, not just accomplishments. And so I think a lot of times our work really becomes: can I look around and honor everything I've done here and just let that be enough for now? And maybe close this chapter or
maybe just let myself be okay where I'm at for now without having to constantly be trying to achieve something new in order to feel loved or respected. And it doesn't have to be anything wild. And I think that's what I think of when I think back to my clients that were wanting to change jobs or end a relationship. Or there's all these reasons that they can't yet or they're not ready yet or there's all these things they need to try or all these things they need to do. And I think
Their growth in those spaces is so much more than they're giving themselves credit for. And I as a coach often wonder like, man,
you have gotten all the juice for the squeeze on this one. Like, what more do you want to get out of this before you're willing to do the uncomfortable thing that you know you need to do? And maybe it's simply that in that space, you have learned how to start setting boundaries, standing up for yourself.
Maybe you've learned to be more honest or regulate your nervous system a little bit more. And maybe you're a little bit more calmer than you were a year ago. Maybe you've started trusting yourself a little bit more. Maybe you've started trusting your intuition or listening for that little nudge and trying to follow it. Maybe you've survived something in your work or that relationship that you never imagined you could survive. Those things count. And just maybe.
That was all you're meant to get out of that experience. And maybe it's time for that next chapter. or maybe it's just time for you to stop looking towards the next goalpost and finish line wherever you are, and just take a moment to honor everything that you have learned and grown in that space. Not necessarily saying you have to leave or change anything, but maybe it's just an invitation to look around.
Express gratitude and stop sprinting for a hot minute. And then maybe tomorrow you can get back to sprinting. But for now, we're going to practice a little bit of gratitude because all of those little learnings, they count and they are part of your harvest. And I think we miss it because we're always looking ahead instead of looking around.
One of the most poignant memories I have for myself in realizing this concept was after I had graduated from law school and I moved to a new city and I have this job at this amazing nationwide firm and I'm at the headquarters and everything's so great. And I'm getting on the elevator and the doors close and I'm like smooshed in the back and it's all these suits around me. And it's a lot of these people are, you know, 20, 30 years older than me, and they've been doing this for a really long time.
And I remember kind of standing in the back of that elevator going, Holy shit, like this is gonna be my life for the next 30 years. And like immediately this panic set in. And it was like looking back, it was the first time I had sort of popped my head up from the race and been like, Where am I? Like, do I even wanna be here? Do I even want to be running this race anymore? But I had gotten into law school, and then the next thing becomes okay.
I've got to lock down a really good internship with a good firm so that I have a job. And then I need to study for the bar exam. I need to pass the bar exam. I need to get sworn in in that state. And then I need to start the job and I need to have some small successes. And then I need to start thinking about partnership. And da-da-da-da-da. Like it just went on and on and on. And and that was the first moment that I sort of stopped looking at the next accomplishment and popped my head up and was like, I don't even know if I want to be here anymore. Like, holy shit, like how did I get here? And
What have I done? Kind of a thing. And I it was a moment of like, holy cow, when we don't look around at what's happening in our life and we just keep chasing the next thing, we could really lose sight of where we're going. And I think about my life as like this big map. It's like I had gone like way off course. Like that's really probably not where I wanted to go. And I had to take a hard left turn and come back.
But
it's because I was so checklist focused and goal-oriented, which I think a lot of us are. It's like they give you a checklist on this is how you become a successful human being. And we just like keep moving along, checking things off without ever really asking, is this where I want to go? And is this who I want to be? And I think that is also kind of part of this bigger problem. Like not only are we not paying attention.
To whether or not these next goals and accolades actually align with who we want to be, or are we just approval seeking? But also baked into that is like I didn't take any time to celebrate passing the bar, getting a really good job, making partner at my law firm. I didn't celebrate any of that. And theoretically, at some point in that race, that was all I wanted. That was the next big goal. And and I never paused to celebrate it.
And even saying that makes me kind of sad because I was just so focused on this map to success and happiness that someone else wrote for me. and I'm not blaming anyone in particular. I mean, like culturally, societally, I think this map was given to me. And I was like, yes, sign me up for that, without even recognizing it wasn't where I wanted to go and not even really honoring all the work I was doing along the way.
And so we can do it in a in a lot of different ways in our lives, but I I think we really have to learn to pause because not only does that pause allow us a moment for gratitude and to celebrate our harvest, but it can allow space for recalibration where that recalibration may be needed. And maybe it is a course correct or a career change, depending upon where you are, but that pause.
will allow you to check back in with that intuition and just make sure you're on the path that you want to be on, as well as celebrating how far you've
This type of pause and introspection is one of the reasons that I am so obsessed with seasonal rituals and following the lunar cycles, is because they are all natural ways and natural invitations for us to stop living exclusively in our heads and take a moment to breathe and to check in with ourselves.
What's more is I think that the symbolism of the moon or the harvest seasons and planting seasons, I think those types of symbols have a way of reaching places or helping us connect with experiences in a way that maybe words can't really get to sometimes. I think that visually or just conceptually, we really get like.
Well, yeah, I can't have a harvest until I plant the seeds. And I am not gonna have a harvest if I don't tend to the seeds and water the seeds and care for the seeds. And then I need to, you know, harvest what I've grown and play and pick it and store it and care for it, right? Like we all get that that sequence makes sense, but we don't often apply that to our lives. And I think the symbolism of some of these ancient rituals can reconnect us with that.
kind of a logical progression that not only do we plant seeds, but we tend to them and we care for them along the way. And then once we harvest, we used to care for that harvest
and celebrate that harvest and be thankful for that harvest. And for me, I think it's easier to connect with that logically than, you know, in my head, it's like, I need to celebrate that way. No, I really don't need to. It's like, no, this is how life works. We celebrate at harvest time. And these types of rituals and symbolism
Are a really easy way for me to do that, to slow down, to reflect, to honor how things have changed, and intentionally choose what I want to come next. And for me, I think that's what each of these seasonal celebrations is really about. It's not about perfection or checking things off everything off your list before we can harvest. It's not about that. It's about, I think just being really present.
And not endlessly striving and can you know we can't plant all year long. I grew up on a farm in Iowa. We don't plant all year long, right? We plant in the spring and then we tend everything and we care for everything and then we harvest it and then we rest. And I think these seasonal ancient festivals really speak to that. We cannot survive on endless striving. That's not how it was meant to be. That's not how the world, the natural world works.
So it invites not only a pause to the running and to the race, but also an opportunity for gratitude. Instead of asking, you know, how much more do I need to become? We can ask, how have I already grown? And and what do I have that I can be thankful for and celebrate in this moment before I pick up the torch and keep running again?
So as July comes to a close, I want to leave you with one more question from our approval detox. And that is, if you stopped trying to earn everyone's approval, what would finally become available to you? Would it be peace, rest, creativity, joy, healthy relationships, the courage to say no, time for more fun?
Or maybe the ability to finally receive all of those things. Because I don't think receiving and that type of honoring and gratitude is it's not passive. I think it's more an active act of trust, right? It's trusting that you don't have to earn every beautiful thing that comes into your life. Sometimes
we are blessed with good things and we can reap more of that simply by pausing and noticing. And so I think that we have to actively invest in receiving those things by trusting that we deserve it, that this is allowed, that it's okay for me to do this. And that's kind of the other part of the the yin and gang that we also need to make space for.
This line of thinking is exactly where we are heading next on the podcast throughout the month of August. We're going to start a new conversation around self-leadership. It's not productivity, it's not hustling harder or doing more or becoming more disciplined through shame and kind of being hard on ourselves and berating ourselves into progress. What we're talking about is.
Learning how to be someone who keeps her word to herself, someone who trusts herself enough to follow through. So if you've gotten any insights over the course of July, some things you want to change, and maybe some approval seeking behaviors you want to let go of through the month of August, we're going to pivot from insight into action. Because eventually,
We have to do something with all of this new self-awareness. And that is where I think the rubber really meets the road in coaching. I think any good coach can help you gather insights into yourself. For me, the question is whether that coach can help you pivot into action and actually do something with it. I I like to say that insight without application is just like really good trivia and it doesn't really get you air anywhere in life.
Healing has to become living action. And the knowledge that we glean through these types of exercises and through like the approval detox in July, that kind of knowing has to change the choices that we make. And I'm really excited for where we're going to be going next because I think it builds so naturally on everything that we've been exploring this month and in previous months. And I'm hopeful that.
We could start gathering all that data, gathering all that information, and then figuring out how do I pivot into actually doing something with this, holding myself accountable and doing that uncomfortable thing that maybe deep down I know I need to do, but I'm avoiding by saying, you know, I'm not ready, I don't know enough yet, or I've got this other goalpost that I've set that I need to get to eventually. We're gonna dispel all of that and instead figure out.
How do I how do I evolve in the space that I'm in?
Before we wrap up today, I want to invite you to something that I am super pumped about and really looking forward to for this weekend. So this Saturday, August 1st, I'm going to be hosting a live online art of receiving harvest ritual inspired by Lunisad. And that is the harvest festival that I mentioned earlier. So we're going to be spending about an hour or so reflecting on the season of harvest.
Exploring what you've been cultivating on your own. There's going to be a guided meditation, a journaling exercise, and a simple but really meaningful harvest ritual that you can use year after year as we approached Lamas and Lunasad this time of year, that first period of the harvest festivals. So whether you've participated in seasonal rituals before, or if this would be your first one.
You are absolutely welcome. You do not have to bring any knowledge of Lunasat or Lamas whatsoever,
just this idea around honoring what we've built and the desire to use that gratitude to propel us forward. The investment for this ritual is $37. And if you can't attend live, you can receive it via email and rewatch it on your own time.
So if this speaks to you, you will find the link to sign up in the show notes today. I would love to share that experience with you if you're able.
Thank you so much for joining me this month for the approval detox series. I hope that over the course of these last several weeks, you've given yourself permission to start maybe asking some different questions, not just about
Who we're trying to keep happy and how we should show up, but more along the lines of who we want to become and what is most authentic and aligned for ourselves. Until next week, please be gentle with yourself and find a way to honor your own harvest this week.
And please don't forget that sometimes the bravest thing you'll ever do isn't working harder. It's allowing yourself a moment and some space to receive and give gratitude for the life that you've created and how far you've come. Until next time, my friends, thank you so much for listening and thanks for sharing with your friends in your network that could also benefit from this information.
